How to become a Likeable Badass… while managing self-doubt: The answer is closer than you think
Of course just when I sit down to write about how to show up as a strong woman, self-doubt comes creeping in
In today’s post, I’m sharing a sketchnote summary I created about the book Likeable Badass by Dr. Alison Fragale, which details how professional women can “get the success they deserve”. What a rallying cry, right?
To accompany the sketchnote, I planned to create a powerful post about my own journey as a woman working her way through:
academia to get a PhD (from freaking Stanford!) then…
having to work her up again because she took a hard left turn to do data science in industry then…
managing to fall into a job at Twitter (yes, it felt like complete luck because I failed all my other interviews) then…
also managing to get a job at Facebook (before it became Meta, where I was referred by a personal connection so again very lucky) to…
becoming a manager at Meta (in this case I own that I did a pretty damn good job building a small and mighty team of the best people I’ve ever worked with)
But when I sat down to write this post, I became paralyzingly overwhelmed.
It didn’t make sense because I actually had an amazing week!
I announced I’m open for coaching!
I had amazing conversations one after another with insights that filled my soul - with new connections and old connections, with friends and family and with coaching clients.
I started a new coaching certification program, where I’m training to be an executive coach alongside former or current executives. Let me tell you, these folks in my program are super intimidating compared to little old me. But I’ve been pushing myself to speak up in live sessions, and people have been appreciative of what I can offer. It has felt really good.
So despite having one of my best weeks, when I tried to write this post, I fell straight off a cliff from that high.
The rumination gears in my head groaned to life. Thoughts started to circulate along familiar routes in my brain.
I felt like I said too much, I put myself too much out there. Specters crowded around me repeating, “You did say too much. You don’t know what you’re talking about. People think you’re stupid. They don’t want to hear from you any more. Stop talking.”
Their voices felt very loud, and I wanted to burrow into a hole.
Show up
So what’s a girl to do when she’s stuck in overthinking self-critical mode?
I guess what any modern woman should do who is told to own her voice and experiences (Likeable Badass-style perhaps?).
Show up. Write about it. Share the experience.
One thing that gives me strength I know I’m not alone, and I want to share with you - you are not alone. This is hard work, and that’s why we need to do it.
In fact, I hear these themes time and again in conversations where people, especially women, share with me their own doubts and fears. People that include my friends, my clients, my coworkers, new acquaintances, and sometimes even strangers.
And when I listen to them, I feel a connection to them because their experience is familiar for me, too.
I want to reach across the space between us and give them a big hug. I want to tell them -
You are amazing. You are amazing. You have light and magic inside of you and I hate to my core that there’s anything out there (or worse inside of you) telling you otherwise. I want to rip that thing out and throw it away, throw it into a fire, stomp it out. I want you to live in your magnificence. I want you to shine bright.
The thing is, no matter how much I want to take that self-doubt and self-judgement away for you, I can’t do that. Only you can do that for yourself. And I can only do it for myself. But the good thing is, we can do it together.
By writing down the thoughts that I would tell to others, I’m telling them to myself too. My head can see the truth in it, though my heart and gut still feel scared, even in this moment. And that’s okay. These feelings come and go, and that’s okay. I’m being a human right now. And sometimes it’s hard to be human. But it isn’t always, especially if we can lean on each other.
Whew! Now that I’ve gotten all that deep stuff out, let’s turn to this amazing book and the surprisingly actionable points that she makes.
Likeable Badass
I say surprising because, I’ll be honest, as much as I am all about women power, sometimes I am wary of books that focus on what women can do to help themselves. I get frustrated and angry about the system that we are all part of that favors men and their ways of being, whether it’s intentional or not. I wish there would be more change to the system itself than the more frequent refrain of how women can change themselves.
Thankfully, Dr. Alison Fragale acknowledges the role of the system in perpetuating gender inequalities, which I appreciated. Her response is that it takes too long to wait for the system to shift, and women need strategies now to increase their status and power.
Alright, I can get on board with that. So tell me Dr. Fragale, whatcha got?
You are already doing the work. Just add on a little extra (with authenticity).
A big point in the book that really stuck with me was this:
As working women, we are already high achieving. We are already doing the work.
Dr. Fragale’s suggestion is not to do more work to prove that you deserve status and power. Change instead how you are perceived.
And changing how you are perceived doesn’t mean completely change who you are to do it. Do it through small tweaks that increase assertiveness or warmth, the combination of which is what helps give women high power and high status. Do it in a way that feels natural to you.
The rest of Likeable Badass provides concrete advice and suggestions on how to make those changes. I summarized the other ones that spoke to me in my note above. I’ll probably elaborate on more in future posts.
In fact, if there are any points you’d be interested in me diving more deeply into in the future, please let me know in a comment below!
Putting it into action
Since reading the book, I’ve been trying some of these suggestions, and I already feel a change in myself. I feel more in control, and I feel confident. Maybe that’s why this past week felt so good. I’m excited to keep trying these techniques and see where they can take me.
Here are some actions you can try as you build up your Likeable Badass self:
Take risks to try a new behavior that is aligned with who you are today. They can be as small as you want them to be as long as they push you to try something different.
Taking a risk expends a lot of energy because it’s new for you. After all, if it wasn’t new, it wouldn’t feel like a risk, would it? Make sure you give yourself time and space to rest after taking a risk. Let self-compassion flow and appreciate that you are making a change. Ask the specters of self-doubt to give you a break for a bit. They can come back tomorrow (but don’t let them stay too long).
Embrace your developing badass self. Remember, you are already doing the work. And you don’t need anyone else to tell you you’re amazing to feel like you’re amazing. Let that magic shine, even if it’s just for yourself.
If you try any of these suggestions, please let me know! I would love to learn from your experience and hear how they work out for you.
After all, when we share our journeys with each other, our wins and our struggles, we make each other stronger.
As a leadership coach, I partner with individuals to achieve personal and professional balance and fulfillment through growth and resilience. If you are interested in working with me 1:1 to explore how you can create your best life, please leave me a note at the link below!