From superpower to super-doubt: How to reconnect with yourself when you’re in a spiral
They say feedback is a gift, but what do you do when the gift morphs into an endless loop of all the mistakes you've made?
“You have spectacular energy and personal vibe…”
“Your energy is overwhelming. You talked too much. Cut the fluff.”
If you received these two pieces of feedback within days of each other, what would you do?
I can tell you what I’d do because this happened to me.
The first statement came from a fellow executive coach, Kevin Williams, after a coaching session where I was working through how to build credibility.
Not so long ago, I would have brushed off the compliment, afraid that it could go to my head if I sat with it for too long. Through coaching, however, I’ve learned to acknowledge and even celebrate that one of my superpowers is how energy naturally flows out of me, what many have told me is “inspiring”. So when Kevin shared this observation with me in our first coaching session, I let myself appreciate it fully.
Then, a few days later, I got the opposite feedback. Whether it was the speaker’s intent or not, the message I internalized was: This thing that you are trying to embrace about yourself is undesirable. My rational brain recognized where I could grow my communication skills based on the feedback. Yet, my sensitive heart immediately fell into a deep-rooted fear — that the part of me that buoys me up is also the part of me that drags me down.
How often has this happened to you? You’re humming along, then suddenly a seemingly innocuous comment sends you into a spiral, and your brain goes haywire conjuring up memories of all your past mistakes. Thank you brain for trying to protect me from making a future mistake, but this does not feel good…
Ground yourself in an image that grounds you
If you find yourself in a swirl of self-judgement, one practice that can help is finding a way to reconnect with yourself.
For me, one practice that helps is immersing myself in an image that grounds me. The one I frequently draw on looks like this:
I close my eyes and drop my attention down into my chest. I land in a space that is dark, but supportive. Silence lines the walls.
A slab of rock, smooth and black with a tinge of gold, sits in the middle of the space.
I picture myself sitting on this rock, its weight supporting me. My eyes remain closed, and my hands rest in my lap or pressed against my heart. I breathe deep to draw my energy inside of me.
I imagine a light slowly growing in the distance until sunshine fills the sky.
The rock overlooks a cliff that falls into an ocean that goes out as far as I can see. The weather is perfect, with only a slight breeze picking up the moisture in the air.
I keep breathing deep and down. I am part of this rock. I am part of the sky. All I need right now is here inside of me.
Just start with a deep breath
I developed this image of the grounding rock in a coaching session last year with the wonderful Hillary Hamm. In our sessions, she created space for me to explore taking my head offline and connecting into my heart. Since then, I return frequently to this image.
Supportive spaces, whether sitting in your empty office or working with a coach, open up space for you to develop grounding, restorative practices.
In work meetings, however, finding your way to calm is nearly impossible, especially when judgements hang in the air, coming from others (or even yourself). Whether they’re true or not doesn’t matter to a brain that’s finely tuned to detect threats.
In those moments, I just try to focus on my breath. When I take a breath, it cracks open a window to the faraway rock sitting under the sky and over the sea.
Small wins and stretching into discomfort
Taking a breath in an intense moment may not completely calm you down, but it helps, a small win toward connecting with your authentic, grounded self.
Since I started paying attention to taking a breath in stressful moments, I’ve felt the small wins compound, and now, when I start to feel prickles of anxiety, I am better able to sit calmly, observe the situation, and observe myself.
I certainly still have moments that trigger me, where self-critical thoughts or a challenging situation activates a shaking in my bones that travels up my neck and rattles my teeth. (This just happened to me a couple of days ago!)
What I’ve come to realize is, no matter how much meditation people do or deep breaths they take, they will always encounter new situations that force them to stretch their practice of finding a calm anchor. When discomfort shows up, it means you’re toppling on the edge of your comfort zone. Feeling overwhelmed becomes a door to an opportunity to grow.
How about you?
Have you ever felt pulled between the parts of you that you are proud of and the parts of you that you wish you could change? Especially when those two parts are the same
What are ways that you ground yourself when you feel yourself spiral? And what is a small step you could take to deepen this practice the next time you need it?
If this article resonated with you or you want to share your story, please let me know! You can leave a comment or send me an email at afw.coaching@gmail.com. I’d love to hear from you!